Chronicles of Bannania

I was thinking today about the Russians we encountered in Turkey.
I was "lucky" enough to visit Trabzon both before and immediately after the changes in Eastern Europe.
Thing was first time they had a Russian market,which sold the most appaling crap.Broken dolls,nasty Russian ciggies and cheap vodka + really ghastly stained clothes that any self respecting tramp would sniff at.
Second time,after the change,the market was full and I mean full of the most amazing stuff,mainly military.Guns,rubber assault craft,rocket launchers.Incredible.I am sure they would have got you a tank if you'd asked.
Not long after,guns became more common in this country.Hmmm.
Wonder where they came from.
The break up of Russia might have been good for them but I don't think it was quite so good for the rest of us.

My thoughts have been turning to some of the strange people I have encountered over the years.
Not the "abnormal" ones but those who function apparentley well in everyday life.
Like the woman who used to come to the plant department when I worked at the Army and Navy stores in London.She was quite young,Eastern European sounding and ALWAYS dressed in black including a furry hat EVEN IN SUMMER.She would always ask the name of the person serving her and would say
"Zo,Jenny,I vany a YUKKA".
Always a yucca,never anything else,she must have ordered dozens of the things.Odd.
Then there was an old friend whose ex-wife is now married to another friend.
He would count the peas and potatoes on his dinner plate and refuse to eat it unless there were even numbers.
Nor would he leave the house with an odd number of coins in his pocket.
Strange,drove his "wife" mad.
Can you imagine having to count peas every time you served dinner !

Boy am I upset,our local supplier of good English apples has closed down.
No one else had such a good selection,where am I to get my Ashmead's Kernel or Kidd's orange now ?
The crap they sell in supermarkets hardly deserve the name apple.
We would get through 5 or 6 lbs a week and now NOTHING.
I need to hunt down another grower.
Bet they don't have the really interesting stuff though.Last year we had a few Court Plat Pendu an apple that is alleged to date back to Roman times and several other really old varieties.
They knock (black) spots o ff the likes of Spartan and Golden delicious (a traversty of a name if ever there was one).
A sad day indeed.

Now here's a strange thing.
Took delivery of a CD I ordered from America via Amazon.Nothing strange there,it's a lot cheaper £4.99 instead of £9.99
Thing is on looking at the CD I see it is "Made in UK" !
So,it's been halfway round the world,turned around and come back home and yet still costs less than if I placed the order here !
Now I know about econmies of scale and such but it don't make sense to me.

Nothing much to talk about really,spent much of the morning trying to sort out our "problem floor".
Long story but basically we are waiting for wood flooring to be laid on concrete.
Had to have a new concrete floor as old wood floor had been built straight onto the earth !
An unusual building technique that meant it was riddled with damp.
We are hopefully nearing the stage where it can be relaid,it's taken nearly a year to dry out.
Sometimes having an old house is a pain.
200 years of accumulated problems.Still wouldn't change it.I am very fond of the old place.

Looks like autumn is almost here in the "hill country" the leaves are slightly turning and there are lots of mushrooms (No not that kind) in the woods.
Time to get busy round the old homestead getting ready for winter (damp and grey as usual I bet).
Spent much of yesterday re-roofing the shed and have many other annoying little "handyman" tasks to do.
WHICH I HATE.I am really a G.S.E (get someone else) person rather than D.I.Y.but lack or ready funds means I must try and do stuff.
Will the house stand up to the gales this year ?
The jury is out on this one.

Just been watching,via youtube,an old clip of one of my favourite (at the time) bands X-ray Spex doing there "anthem" Oh Bondage Up Yours.
Well,at about the 2,.20 mark there is the head of a guy (back view) that could and I say COULD be my old mate Dave.If so then I am there too as we went to many "gigs" togther back in the day.
How exciting,I may possibly have almost featured in an obscure punk rock video.
I am famous at last.
I was also pushed in the back once by Sid Viscious (at the Marquee,I seem to remember Nico on the bill) but have not photographic evidence for the incident.
Brushes with fame give one quite the "frisson".

Thanks to a "major online supermarket" I am practically out of food.
What happened was that I had a call on the morning I was supposed to get delivery to say "the server had gone down,my order was lost,you will not be charged,fuck off".
I was told I need to resubmit an order,of course all delivery slots were pre-booked until Friday.Great.
I decided to ring "customer services" the conversation went in this fashion

"Hello,customer services in what way can I tell you to fuck off ?"
"You lost my order you fuckwits,are you going to put it right,I have been a customer for 3 years spending thousands of pounds at your store ?"
"Deary me,how sad,however you mistake me for someone that actually cares.I am in fact paid a miserly wage and am waiting to go to lunch.I will make a "log" on your complaint,file it in ignore and tell you to fuck off,thank you for calling"

Now,I know mistakes happen and it's not anyones fault that the computer threw and wobbly but what really pissed me off is there seems to be no method of insuring those customers let down have a priority in the next batch of deliveries.It is everyman for himself
Fine if we were talking shoes or dvd's but FOOD.
I have one piece of fresh fruit left.My only option is to use the local "Quickymart" where everything costs 3 times as much and the fruit was picked sometime in 1987.
Thanks guys.

Made the mistake yesterday of watchig a video of the "jumpers" from the World Trade Center.
I still feel very sad and angry watching these poor people having to choose "the best" way to die.
Thing is ,I notice in myself,that I feel a conection with them,they were like me and my family,ordinary workers going about their daily business and fatally interupted by something they had no influence on.
I feel for them.
I also watched a video of a Lebanese child,killed in the recent conflict,having his poor little body manipulated by a Lebanese "official" so that the video "looked" more dramatic.
Thing is I didn't feel the same connection,more a "war is bad,poor kid but that's the way it goes in war" sort of feeling.
Does this make me a bad person.
I guess I am beginning to see it as an "us and them" situation.
I fear that "battle lines" are being drawn around the world.
Doesn't look good to me.

Another rememberance of Turkey is the violent bouts of diahorrea I suffered there.
Curioulsy both in the town of Erzerum.
First time round all I ever saw of Erzerum was a hotel washbasin and toilet.I literally didn't know which end to point at which bowl."Luckily" I could sit on the loo with my head in the basin.Thereby killing two birds with one stone.
Never have I suffered such uncontrollable shits,I thought I would poop my spleen out.I heard tale of cases so violent that people were wrapped in plastic for the coach journey to the next destination.EEWW.
Anyway,second trip I decided to be ultra careful.No food,no drink from dirty cans,no local water.
Good idea.Nope,forgot one tiny detail ICE CUBES,made from local water and.of course,choc full of the poopy bugs.Same result AGAIN ! (same Hotel too !)
Luckily I was smart enough to go and see some of the sights as soon as we arrived.Got collared by a carpet seller,our tour guide panicked because we were so long and was just on the verge of calling the cops.
(2 tourists had been kidnapped by the PKK close by very recently).
Lesson learnt there,ice cubes are made from water.
Won't get caught by that again.

Here's another blurry photo from Turkey.
It's ME,having a fag on the sacred stone of the Hittites at Hattusas.
Sorry Hittite thunder god dude,won't do it again.

Chatting online to someone yesterday reminded me of the trips we took several years ago to Turkey.
I hesitate to call them holidays because we covered a lot of ground.It was quite hard going at times but worth every minute.
We were lucky enough to get to Eastern Turkey which,at this time,was periodically on "lock down" due to the then Gulf war and the internal troubles with the Kurdish seperatists (PKK).
We managed to hit a "window of opportunity" which allowed us to visit places like Van (yuk),Ani (the ancient Armenian capital) and Erzerum (DON'T ASK,2 visits 2 cases of the worst "screaming shits" ever).

Anyway one of the highlights for me was the Churches (now ruined of course) of Armenian and ,especially ,Georgian origin.

See pictures (a bit blurry I fear,I am a bit computer illiterate !)

Another "highlight" was our stay at the town of Sarakamus (spelling ?) in the most BIZARRE hotel ever.

The place was a "hunting" lodge popular with the Russian and was FULL and I mean FULL of stuffed dead animals.A bear holding souvenir handbags stood in the hall and the dining room was an extravaganza.

Having dinner watched by the glassy eyes of a dead mother wolf complete with baby wolf balanced on her back was definitley a new experience.

Then there was to rooms,dirty,sure but decorated in a unique "style" some had balloons we had huge christmas decoration foil stars and an enourmous poster of the Swiss Alps (took up the whole wall)

What a place,add to that the "town" (Mudville) and the simply ENORMOUS vegetables (cabages the size of a small house) in the shops and it was fascinating.

Well,I've had a kind invitation to ""earn a little on the side" wink".
Now let me see,shall I click on that link or not.
On reflection I think not,on account of not being totally stupid and all.
If I want to earn money I'll work for it (or scrounge off the wife).

"Interesting" news from Belgium,17 people (mainly soldiers) have been arrested for alledgedly plotting to "undermine the countries institutions" by "terror" attacks.The are accused of being "extereme right wingers".
What is interesting is the reporting of the incident by the BBC which includes accusations that the Vlaams Belang party is an "extreme right anti-immigrant party (so !) and mentions that Belgium has suffered a number of race-related crimes.Reading the article you would assume this means evil righ wingers attacking poor innocent "immigrant" folk.
Well,anyone who follows what is happening on our raidly dying continent will know that the opposite is in fact true.The race related violence is almost all one way trafffic (clue it is not the white Belgians doing it).
Funny reporting,nothing to do with forthcoming Belgian elections I'll bet.

Phew,looks like mother has finally found someone to sign her passport form.
A big part of the problem is that English folk,especially of her age group,WILL NOT ask for help from "strangers".I don't know if it's pride or just good old British reticence but we don't like appearing in need of assistance.I am the same,I guess it's part of our "culture" and what makes us English.
We would rather spend hours wandering aimlessly around than ask someone for directions for example.
A good way to spot a true Brit is to ask how they are. 99% of native Brits will answer "Not too bad" or "Musn't grumble" or similar,even when the truth is that they have contracted leprosy and their leg is about to drop off.
My favourite example of "Britishness" is from the Battle of Waterloo where one of Wellington's companions had his leg taken clean off by a cannon ball.The exchange was
"By God,sir I think I have lost my leg " to which Wellington replied "By God,sir and so you have".
I witnessed a fine example when I used to work in a major London department store in the days when the IRA were bombing London from time to time.
The "secret" signal telling us to search for bombs came through
"Mr Wilkins is in the store" (or something).
A customer of middle-eastern appearance saw us looking and asked in halting English what we were doing.
Unfortunately one of the numbnuts I worked with said
"Checking for bombs"
Well,this woman shot across the store and ran up the down escalator (well worth seeing) shouting
"Isa bomba,isa bomba ".
What struck me was the look of utter contempt on the faces of the British shoppers as they calmly made their way to the exit.
No class foreigners.

Well,turns out the destination for mum's trip is Rome.
Hmm,not the first choice for an elderly,not too steady on her feet lady in my book for 3 main reasons.
1.Hills,7 of them (count them).not as steep as in Istanbul but still tiring.Add to that old,uneven pavenements and the detritus of 2000 years and you have to watch your footing.

2.Traffic,maniacs basically.Pedestrian crossings are used mainly to help drivers aim at the pedestrians.Take my advice,plan your route to include as few crossings as possible or look for groups of nuns crossing the road and stick to them like glue. (used to work,may not apply to muslims).

3.The charming and colourful "gypsy" thieves.Appartentley they STILL operate (I haven't been to Rome for about 15 years) at all major tourist sights.They hunt in packs and can be as young as 4 or 5.They are after your money,camera.bag whatever and will do ANYTHING to get them.I have seen a young kid literaly hanging off a Japanese guys rucksack legs a swinging (while 2 Italian cops chatted on the opposite side of the road,do not expect help).
I hear the latest tricks are dressing nice so you don't spot them and "baby tossing" a young girl throws a "baby" at you and in the confusion an accomplice helps himself to your wallet.The baby is of course a doll (though some suggest it will soon be real babies as these are cheaper and can be stolen as well).

Don't get me wrong,I love Rome to bits but you need to be aware.
Not for nothing do other Italians say that the famous S.P.Q.R. seen every where in Rome stands for "Sono porci questi Romani" or "they are pigs these Romans"
Caveat visitor.

A teensy but annoyed today.
My old mum needs to get a passport for her first ever trip abroad.So she obtains the forms and fills in her details.Then comes the part where she needs a countersignature from a "respectable" member of the community drawn from a long and bizarre list (chiropodist !,travel agent !) .Has to be someone who has known her 2 years or more.
Now my mum doesn't move in exalted circles,she doesn't know judges,councillors and the like so turns to the usual suspect,her doctor.
Good idea,except that in todays European England her doctor is,of course,Swedish and cannont sign,likewise her dentist is French.Her solicitor and all others on the list are either retired or dead.
So she rings me to ask my oldest friend if he can sign for her as he is a police officer,no problem he says.
Then we notice that the Home office has introduced a "new rule" the countersignatory must give a passport number.Well ha ha friend does not have passport.
Mother is now stuffed (and quite upset).
So there you have it folks,someone born in this country of native English stock (no immigrants here bud).Widow of a man who served and was wounded in WWII cannot get a passport because some halfwit beuarocrat has thought up some great security plan.
Meanwhile half a million illegal aliens frolic unmolested across the land.
Thanks England,appreciate it.
(Title of post is due to drawing ticket 666 at the rugby club raffle,we won a hairy locust).

I turn my feeble intellect to product naming today.
Why do companies decide to change the names of familiar products.
Until a few years ago a popular household cleaner was called Jif,a perfectly sensible name (it will be done in a jiffy),now it is called Cif !
Why,what does the change of letter do to improve the product or sales ?
My guess is that it is to help sales in the Italian market where the letter "J" is banned.
Ironically if this product is sold in Turkey folks will still call it Jif as the C roughly equals a J there.
Another example is what used to be called Oil of Ulay now being Oil of Olay.I mean WTF.
Maybe it benefits Spanish ladies to be able to ask for Ole (sorry can't do the accent thingy).
Baffling.

It occured to me today that the reason kids in English schools are not taught about Alfred the Great,Hereward and other Anglo-Saxons from history is their less than welcoming attitude to migrant workers.(Such as the Vikings).
Perhaps the time has come to rewrite these stories for a modern audience.
Maybe Alfred could burn the cakes due to being distracted by a colourful display of Norwegian dancing.
Perhaps Harold could be seen welcoming the Normans but then accidentaly shooting him self in the eye by holding the bow backwards.
Perhaps Hereward could be black and a muslim.
Then the stories might be heard again by people descended from these ancient heroes.